"" THE ROAD NOT TAKEN: One Two Ka Four...Pagal Hai

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Thursday, 20 November 2008

One Two Ka Four...Pagal Hai

Film Script

SC 20. INT. US$20 MILLION MANSION IN MUMBAI – DAY 1

Camera tracks in over the trees, through their branches, turns and goes towards the window, goes into window, pans left and tracks more into the mansions main lobby down through the main staircase, through a massive oak door and into a massive smoking room.

The room is huge. A stuffed head of a wild boar is stuck on wall – a trophy of a past hunting trip.
Camera zooms in into the many pictures on the wall – pictures of SRK with many personalities of the world – Bush, Obama, Margaret Thatcher, Abramovich, Tendulkar, Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta Jones, J. Lo, Micheal Jackson, Osama Bin Laden and the most attention grabbing photo – a picture of him with Datin Seri R.

Camera pans left and tracks in towards SRK who is alone, smoking a stick of maryjane. In the background, the music being played on the CD player, Rolling Stone’s Can’t Get No Satisfaction.
SRK is half way stoned. He is smiling. He is enjoying his maryjane and his music so much so he doesn’t hear nor realize his agent cum manager, Manipul Singh, coming in to meet him.

MANIPUL
Ermm…Khan?

SRK went on as if he didn’t hear the voice.

MANIPUL
Khan…

SRK still didn’t react. Manipul shook his head and resigned to what he had to do. He dropped to his knees and then went prostrate.

MANIPUL
Ohhhh great Khan..Master of the universe…most handsomest being on Earth…allow this humble being a moment of your precious time.

SRK jerked to attention. His right eye brow perked up and he smiled.
He turned and tapped Manipul on his head and signaled Manipul to sit on a chair near him.

MANIPUL
Thank you oh great Khan.

SRK
Vat is it dat you come here for?

MANIPUL
I have wonderful news for you O Great Khan.

SRK
Vat news?

MANIPUL
Malacca has conferred upon you the title of Datuk..oh Great Khan.

SRK was in mid-puff when he jerked to a stop. He slowly turned to face Manipul.

SRK
Malaka? Vat the F is Malaka?

MANIPUL
It’s a country…

SRK
Country? Never heard ovit. Vere is dis Malaka? Near Molukus?

MANIPUL
It is actually a state in the country of Malaysia.

SRK
Ahhhh…Malaysia…nice country…twice sponsored to host two of our nonsensical film awards show..hahhaa…idiots…but that is Malaysia…vat is Malaka?

MANIPUL
It is actually a state O Great Khan.

SRK
Jas now you sed Malaka was a country. Now you sed it is a state. VIch is it, Manipul? Come come. Do not waste the Khan’s time.

MANIPUL
It is a state in Malaysia O Great Khan.

SRK
Hmmmm….big state?

MANIPUL
Errmm…not really sir…

SRK
Medium size state?

MANIPUL
Ahhhh..small…

SRK
Vat??? Small state?

MANIPUL
Not smallest….second smallest O Great Khan! You actually shot some scene and songs in that very beautiful state.

SRK
Manipul…I’ve shot thousands of songs…vat the F do I remember about locations….anyvay…vat film vas dat?

MANIPUL
One Two Ka Four…

SRK
Pagal Hai!!! I hate dat bloody film….crap film!!

MANIPUL
But the people in Melaka like it….really O Great Khan.

SRK
Okay okay…so de Sultan of Malaka vants to make me a Datuk?

MANIPUL
No Sultan….a Yang Di Pertua Negeri…

SRK
I tot Malaysia has Sultans?

MANIPUL
Yes..but not all states…this one has a Yang DI Pertua Negeri…

SRK
But he is considered royalty yes?

MANIPUL
I don’t know O Great Khan..I don’t know much about Malaysian culture.

SRK
You know nothing, Manipul…you don’t have top IQ like me…you know my IQ is..

MANIPUL
200….Yes O Great Khan…I know…

SRK
Hahaha…yes…even higher than dat guy in the veelchair who says de vorld began vith a bang….Hahahah…

MANIPUL
O Great Khan…you have to go to Melaka to accept the award.

SRK
Are dey sending a private jet for me?

MANIPUL
Most probably O Great Khan…the man who was supposed to have proposed your name to receive the award has a private jet at your disposal.

SRK
Really? Remind me to send him an autograph copy of my picture.

MANIPUL
So you want to go?

SRK
I don’t know yet….only last week de French sent someone to Mumbai to give me de great award of French Order of Letters….hahaaha….they actually came to Mumbai you know Manipul…so you tink dis Yang Di Petua…

MANIPUL
Yang Di Pertua Negeri…

SRK
Yes yes…dis fellow can come here?

MANIPUL
No sir…you have to go…

SRK
Hmmmm….tell me something about dis fellow the Yang Di…etcetra…

MANIPUL
He was formerly the minister of information before being elevated to Yang Di Pertua Negeri….

SRK
He’s a commoner and became a Sultan?

MANIPUL
Not a sultan O Great Khan….more a Governor…

SRK
Not bad not bad….lemme think about it first.
Come back later…

MANIPUL
Yes O great Khan….

Manipul stood and immediately left the room. SRK started laughing to himself.

FADE TO BLACK

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