"" THE ROAD NOT TAKEN: It has been a while....

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Friday, 11 July 2008

It has been a while....

since my father passed away. It's hard for me to pen my feelings and it's even harder for me to move on with my life. He was bedridden for more than a year and Mom did her best taking care of him. I only went to see him on weekends, and there was nothing much I can do. It was really hurt to see him lying helplessly on bed. He used to be a very jovial and talkative person. We used to spent enjoyable and fun times together watching football, picnicking or even when helping him around. He was the best companion I've ever had during my childhood. I looked up to him as if he was some kind of a genie from Aladdin's lamp. My every wish would come true with him around, 100% guaranteed! Never heard he complained of my tantrums and bossiness.

That was way back when I was little, but as I grew up I learn how patience he had been all those years spoiling me. After I left for boarding school, our relationship became distant. Later, I left home permanently to further studies and pursue my dreams, slowly we became strangers. We only met once or twice a year. We grew apart and I admit as I grew up, I got closer to Mom, sharing my stories with her. Unintentionaly, our relationship faded. As usual, Dad was very happy when I turned up and spent a few moments asking regular questions and then left. Leaving me feeling very uneasy to engage in deep conversations with him.

About a year ago, Dad was struck by a stroke, bedridden, and suffered acute memory loss. Almost every weekend, I tried my best to make a long journey home just to be with him, to feed him, to help bathe him, to clean his pampers, to cut his fingernails, to put on his clothes, to shave his beard and most of all to cheer him up! Just like he did when I was little. There were often many quiet hours spent watching him sleeping tirelessly and my guilty feelings lingered, how I had abandoned my 'best friend' all these years. Mom told me (after the funeral), how Dad spent awkward and lonely moments when I went to boarding school. At the end of the day, after returning from work, he went on to spent most of his free time at his orchard.
Dad, I truly hope the last few moments we shared will make you realize that I really loved and admired you. Alas! No matter what I say or do now matters anymore. If only, if only I can turn back the hands of time...

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